PAIN

My heart aches, the pains I can't describe
The tears build inside me, a thunderstorm waiting to be free
The sadness is deep within my eyes
It reaches past my very soul and no man can grab hold

What is this pain, this sadness that I feel
I have no answer for the blackness that's inside
It's slowly eating me alive
Please set me free, rid me of this misery.

The storm has begun , the clouds have now burst free
The tears come violently
And each new sob, engulfs my body entirely
I scream, I fight, I beat the air
But their's no satisfaction in my desperation

Their's no hand that dries my tears
no one their who calms my fears
No sweet melodies playing sweetly in my ear
Only this blackness, this thick darkness
That's slowly yet constantly eating me alive!!!!!!!!

Won't some brave one break through my darkened world?
Won't some brave one come fight my dark giant monsters?
Won't someone, anyone just come and help to save my soul?
Or is this task I ask too big for just some immortal one?
Is this too big the mere man around me?

So now I lift my head up high and in my desperation cry
Oh, God and Father of mankind, to my soul oh please be kind
Down to earth I pray thee come, and beat back all the darkened blots
Save my soul and make me whole, wash me now and make clean
Engulf me with your eternal love, so that far from me for eternity
Will these darkened moments of tears and pain be swept away
And now and forevermore remain!!!!

Over You

Just yesterday I was wrapped up in your embrace
And you embodied the very essence of everyhthing that I desired
Your touch and the things that you did to me
The way that you made me feel
Were things I only fantasized about or read about in magazines
Your smell, that very masculine odor and your lingering perfume
Was enough for me to bury my worries and calm all my fears
You whispered sweet words softly in my ear
And shivers ran up my spine
And every single hair stood on end.

But that was all yesterday
And yesterday is dead and gone
and with it went my infatuation and the memories of our love
You see, you were not half the man
I thought that you could be
You had the looks, the words and definitely the charm
But the thing thatv you were lacking
The most important part
You had absolutely no clue
On how to care for a woman's heart
And so with I am through
There really is no point to the infatuation
It was all just make believe
And now I know I 'm completely over you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Change

Every where I look
SOMETHING or SOMEONE
Seems to be always on the go,
If not physically or
In that moment in motion
There are changes soon to be noticed,
There's movement all around.

Motion from one place to another
From one stage of life to the next
Our children quickly grow
and soon we are grandparents
But how exactly did we get here?
What details have we missed?

Were my eyes shut all this time?
Was I too busy to realize?
That NOTHING stays the same forever
NOTHING remains unchanged
Our world, our lives and those we love
Are always gonna change.

If this change,......has got to happen,
Then I'm not going to miss a thing
I'll be right there in the mix and
I'll take note of every detail
Every tear that's shed, every word that's said
Every sound of laughter heard
Every thing that's worth remembering

No..... I'm not gonna forget who I am
I'm just going be a newer and improved me!
For just as the caterpillar spreads its wings to fly
When it changes to a beautiful butterfly
So too am I changing from a beautiful litlle girl
To a strong,independent, confident and self assured woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Troubles have just Begun

BANG! BANG! BANG!
The gunshots sound
Is he really dead? Is this nightmare finally over?

The perfect gentleman
Tuxedo wrapped, well groomed, well mannered, educated.
The list goes on and on
Simply perfect in every way.
The PICTURE was perfection!!
But, the person was a MONSTER

Where is my supper?
SLAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From that I can recover.
Why aren't my clothes ironed?
A boxer's jab to my nose!!!!
Again I can recover.
Why is this child in my chair?
She is flung into a wall,
My baby's anguished cries
She is only two years old.
Now this I will not stand for
This I will not take, from this I cannot recover
She is yours as she is mine.

NO!
You will not treat her this way
And as he turned to make her hush
My anger completely took hold.
The shotgun I was threatened with
I then numbly took hold
BANG!
The first shot was fired
He turned.........
Woman what the hell.........?
It missed him clean,
His wrath now turned on me.
He charged with such ferocity
An absolute raging bull.
BANG!
I shot again.
It got him in the head
BANG!
I shot again.
It's over I breathed!!!!!!
But then the sirens sound.............
It far from over, it's only just begun!!!!!!!

SPEAK

Mouth open wide, eyes shining brilliantly
Arms raised high, body quivering with excitement.
The corners of her mouth
Turn up in a childlike smile
She looks at me with such anticipation
And so much determination
I can sense its lingering presence
We're on the edge of the breakthrough
Just a little while longer
And soon we'll be through
She would have reached her destination
And in the near future exhaustion
But before we hit climax
She must take flight
One sound she makes, I know it's here
Two sounds it's coming, just a little more fight
One more attempt and she finally got it
"MAMA"
There, it's over she's said it.

ME

In my heart, past the steady rhythmic thumping,

past, old hurts and forgotten memories,

lies the me I want everyone else to see!

The me that lives and loves,

the me that gives with body and soul,

the me that I wish to share.

Do you see the me that I am,

and yet the me that I want to be.

Can you see me? 

Not the me you see, but the me I want to be,

I'm all wrapped up right in here,

Be careful now its quite a task!

my heart is fragile, and yet strong 

in it's own demise

I'll take careful,and strategic planing

For the me I want you to see,

Is guarded by a barrage of things 

That call themselves my hurt defense army .

Once you're past  my defenses,

you should see the me that no one ever sees,

the me that I am, and yet the me that I want to be!!!!!!

ME

In my heart, past the steady rhythmic thumping,

past, old hurts and forgotten memories,

lies the me I want everyone else to see!

The me that lives and loves,

the me that gives with body and soul,

the me that I wish to share.

Do you see the me that I am,

and yet the me that I want to be.

Can you see me? 

Not the me you see, but the me I want to be,

I'm all wrapped up right in here,

Be careful now its quite a task!

my heart is fragile, and yet strong 

in it's own demise

I'll take careful,and strategic planing

For the me I want you to see,

Is guarded by a barrage of things 

That call themselves my hurt defense army .

Once you're past  my defenses,

you should see the me that no one ever sees,

the me that I am, and yet the me that I want to be!!!!!!

A river of Red

It flows, a river being fed by the force of the source from where it comes

And as it flows, so too never ending thoughts, 

Of what was, what is and what could be, IF ONLY.

If only like the source of this river I had force, not barely normal.

Superhuman force, yet subtle, gentle and yet able to transform my surroundings 

How do I let them know, how do I show them, convince them?

Or am I thinking too much?

Am I taking on more than I can handle?

I want to have the power, the power to change my surroundings,

Like the ever flowing river, never stopping for a second. 

Alive and giving life, to all the lives that it touches

And so with the blood that flows within my veins

A river of red, fed from that constant beating source, 

The heart, that is a constant reminder that I am alive

I will exact the change that I want to see.

The change that doesn't last a single moment and that does not come overnight 

The Change that is recognized in time like the effects of the passing river.

So will the changes around me be, subtle but yet defined

Fed by the source of my ever flowing red river  

A heart that beats with the very desire to see change, 

Not only long for it, but fulfill it 

Subtly, but clearly, uncompromisingly defined!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Battle

The battle wages on 

Both sides steadily becoming stronger 

As the all out struggle continues 

And I, am caught in the middle.

In the middle of what may seem pointless to some 

And yet to others, the greatest struggle known to human kind

I am caught in the middle and yet on both sides I fight,

The side that pulls heavily on the things that the world glorifies,

The side that wants so much to fit in with the crowd 

The side that wants to live, to live without even a second thought 

The side that cares for no one and for nothing else

But then there is also the side that is ruled by conscience 

And all that is pure and right 

The side that loves the Lord and longs to see heavens shores 

The side that knows what's right and longs only that to do 

The side that feeds on that connection, that constant communion with God.

And so the battle of my life goes on 

Both sides continuing to fight.

Not two sides that are worlds apart

But the two sides of me.

The me that is carefree and wreckless

The me that forgets all that is governed by morals

But the me that God intends for me to be

Just will not give up.

And so the battle rages on

And the fight is far from through

For the side that God would have me be

Is not about to give in!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

No regret

The sun sets slowly in the west 

And with it all my past regrets

The 'if I could's' and 'wish I did's'

And all the 'what if I had just said this'

All the times I made mistakes 

And all the pains my heart my couldn't take 

My disappointments went by with the wind 

And in its place and unerased pain 

No undo's or zap its gone 

No way of reliving those completed moments

No time for fixer uppers and no way to cover up 

Yesterday is dead and gone, and with it all my past regrets. 

Right now, in this moment is all I have , 

And so I don't need 'if I could' and 'wish I did'

Because I have 'yes I can' and 'I sure will'

I will say what needs to be said 

And I will live, and live and keep living 

With absolutely no regrets!!!!!!!!

Edited (Part 1)

Cut, pasted, retouched,

Colour brightened, face enhanced,

More curves, straighter lines,

Pronounced eyes, fuller lips,

Facial structure detailed,

Lighting just perfect.

Or is it perfect?

Am I perfect,

Because you made me look that way? 

Not in my reality, 

But in the picture held in your hand?

Or

Am I perfect,

Just because I'm me,

Just because everything is the way it is,

And I'm the way I am?

Do you you see me as a picture

Needing to be edited,

With imperfect lines and defects,

Or am I, the perfect picture,

As beautiful as the finished product 

Of the Master painter's hands?

Victorious

Even before the race began,

The victory had been clearly won,

Already conquered was the foe,

And this they did in fact know,

For many years the fight went on,

But already you were the champion,

Every thing was in its place,

You simply needed to get in the race. 

One foot forward,

And so it began the race of the true Champion,

Speed was not needed 

And good looks did not fit in 

For this was race that was already won.

It's impossible you may think,

How can there be a winner,

If the race has not began?

The winner is you

The winner is me

We all win the 1st place trophy

One step to begin,

and the others will come,

With lots of friends and great motivation.

It may take weeks and for some months 

But the length of your race is not important.

You have what it takes and thats all that counts 

You are in fact already the champion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blessed

She stands there,

Face blank, heart racing, feet pivoted to the ground,

The minutes seem like hours and yet she utters no sound,

She is engulfed by the sudden pain she feels,

She is tossed by the waves of her shock and her desperation.

Nobody understands,

No one can feel her pain,

There's nothing more to be said,

No one to lend that helping hand,

No one who will ever care again. 

She finally turns,when she hears her name,

But there is no one there,

Again she gets lost in herself,

And once again she's startled to hear her name,

She turns again and there is no one there.

She starts to sob, 

No longer able to contain the pains she feels.

Why would this happen to her,

Where was God when she needed Him the most?

Why didn't He come and take the pains away?

As if in tune with Her questons,

The voice shouts so clearly,

Yet with such soothing effects,

I was standng here all the time,

And I'm still standing here. 

When you couldn't see me,

I was working all things for your good.

There are many times in our life that we feel like God has forsaken us, but that is usually quite the opposite. We are so taken up with our pains, our struggles, our lives and all the things that are seemingly falling to pieces that we don't see that God is standing there all the time. It is the unfortunate actions of so many that don't allow them to receive the blessings that God has in store for us. We are so taken up with the hurt and the pain that we don't see all things working for our good. God is a mighty God and He has our best interest at heart. 

Heaven and God's throne is like our own personal bank account of God's blessings, the only difference between our earthly bank accounts and heavenly one is that those on earth are usually empty or very near empty, while the one is heaven is filled to overflowing because we do not access the funds that are stored away for us. We are so consumed with earthly erring that we can't give thanks for the smallest blessings that we receive. When the birds sing, or we are awake each day, that's God saying he loves us. 

We are too busy, or too hurt to ask God's blessings on our lives. We are too occupied to enjoy nature and the melodies around us. We think nothing of the very small and mighty blessings that God grants us each day. Whe will we awake and see that God is always good no matter the situation?I would think that we as a people who believe in Him would be the most joyful, as we know that we are looking forward to a heavenly reward like none that we have ever known. We should not allow the sadness of earth to keep us down or makes us sad to point of giving up. Where is our faith and trust in a God who is faithful and who keeps all His promises beyond what we could ever ask, imagine, or desire?

I know in whom I believe and  know that He is able to keep beyond what I can ask, think or desire. I know that my reward is heaven, so when the devil knocks me down I know its temporary, so I'll get up shake off and press on to my heavenly home. 

Will you join me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Add Life

Like the final throws of dirt placed over a coffin,

Or the life sentence handed out to the criminal,

So are the scars of deepened hurt

And the years of unmentioned anguish,

Like a sentence to confinement in the jail of human pain!!!!!!

The countless nights of silent tears,

Of whispered prayers sent up in the dark. 

When will the morning finally come?

When will that silver lined cloud appear?

When will joy be permanent and not a whisper blown by the wind?

When will we see that in our words are both life and death?When will we give life and hope to a shattered life,

Rather than to add burdens of criticism

And cut through flesh with our tongues

Dipped in bitterness and unleashed without thought, care or reason?

Who are we to judge and since when are we in ourself perect?

From which stream does perfection come, and how is it defined?

With your words add life like a cooling spring of water,

On a hot summers day, 

Add security like a child wrapped in her daddy's arms

Without a single care in the world.

Add healing like an oinment on an open wound,

Add the hope that comes with knowing,

That once there's life there's hope.

No, the scars are not a life sentence in a human jail of pain, 

The hurt is not confinement to inferiority and unhappiness,

It is the constant reminder that there is hope for the hopeless

And clouds wth silver linings,

It is a reminder that someones words added life,

And someones love added a second chance,

A chance to live and let live 

An opportunity to be the sugar that took away the bitterness 

That followed a very deserving life around!!

Add life!!!!!!!

We as a people no matter race or social position are so taken up with ourselves that we become uncultured and uncvilized, downright mean. When we open our lips to speak we utter all the poisons of hate, bitterness and jealousy seaminly tearing each other down with every word uttered. 

We are so oblivious to the other persons feelings that we couldn't care less how our words impact another persons life. There is so much power in a simple word no matter its size, and we can literally tear a person down or unreverseably build them up. Do you remember as a child growing up and having someone at school tease you, but you never cared because mommy, daddy or gramma told you you were special and that meant that you were invinceable. The hurtful words of someone never quite sunk in because words of love were already planted in your life. How easy is it for us to plant seeds of cruelty in the lives of others rather than giving them resevoirs of strength in your words, words of encouragement and of love. 

Black Woman

Unshackled, unleashed, freed

Strutting, head held high with confidence

Eyes filled with fire, body driven by intent 

No longer imprisoned by their focus

No longer intimidated by the competition.

Really, there is no competition.

Chin up, stomach in, eyes shining, a fire lit and raging

Mouth curled as if with the very taste of my victory 

And ultimately, irrevocably their demise.

Once imprisoned by my now defeated opressors 

I stand on the ashes of their memory,

They are indeed nothing but a very faint memory.

Now gone and forgotten, finally I have won,

If only I had known then, what I have gleaned now,

Then defeated they would have been ages ago.

Years spent in the shadows of what I thought to be better, 

To be greater or of more value, more of necessity,

Years spent wandering blindly in the dark and stumbling over my own feet.

Countless years spent hiding in a prison called the background,

Well hiding time is up and I'm breaking out of this joint, 

I will live what I want to see, I will be what I want to be

No longer molded, contorted or bent into the shape 

The world expects to see, the images, the sounds, the styles

Those just aren't me.

I am black, I am woman, I powerful, I am me,

I am graceful, intelligent, sensual, exotic, liberated,

I was created with curves, not necessarily that of Coca cola bottle 

I am vivacious, eccentric, the life of this party, my party

I dance to my own rythyms and I am never out of tune.

I sing the melodies of lessons learned and batlles fought.

I have broken out the prison, I have been emaniciapted,

I am not trapped neither am I fooled by the images you've created,

No longer blinded into belief that the stick figured blond barbie is who I was meant to be.

Stop filling the minds of our women with the illusions of your industry, 

They are not size 2's and they were never meant to be. 

They are black godesses and nothing short of amazing. 

We were made with curves, like the River Nile,

And  rises and falls like the Kilamanjaro,

Our lips are full, and tinted reds and pinks and vibrant colours of the rainbow.

Our hips are wide and we move with grace, 

Our voices sooth and are rich with the history from which we've been bread 

We sing in melodies that can never be matched, each note accented by our personalities 

We teach, we care, we defend, we protect, we are phenominal, we are black women 

Women who need to stand proud, stand educated, stand for something,

Stand if not for yourself then for the little black girl with the hard kinks and very little curl

Teach her that her kinks are special and that her story has not be written

Give her the tools to create that story without flaws how she wants it

Teach her that she's special and don't let them imprison her in the jails of their illusions!!!!!! 

Black Man

Almost lost in the frenzy of what we call the modern world 

Is by far one of the finer specimens, "the black man"

He is robed in the tapestry of his history,

A legacy that has been bought with blood, sweat and tears, 

With determination, uncanny smarts and and his natural ability to lead. 

Crafted from the finest clays of Sierra Leone, with skin bronzed by the sun and stained with sweat.

The black man with his noted body, and admired looks 

His smile of white and lips as luscious and inviting as the ripened fruit

His smell of strength and looks of resilience as he casts an eye over his own.

The black man with his intelligence who is as gentle as a lamb 

And as ferocious as a Lion on the prowl, stooping low and ready to pounce.

And yet we fear, for we see our black men becoming more a rarity than the natural leaders they were meant to be. 

The more mondaine and trivial things of life have captured his attention

And he is fast becoming a thing of only stories and history, almost a mystery,

The stories of Cudjoe and Coffy are turning into simple fairytales, 

Unreal representations of the balck man,

That which we see today cannot be this same specimen, of the fine black man of whom we've read. 

Where has he gone, where is the fine black man?

He is hidden in the shadows of what is an intoxicating, suffocating and paralyzing world 

A world that lurks in the distance, waiting for the very opportune time to consume him,

Consume him with thoughts of inferiority and of failure and present a picture of less than who he is.

He is hidden in the young boy who is too afraid to be great for fear of rejection, 

Too afraid to stand against the stereotypes presented by a society who almost waits for him to fail, 

And then we ask, "where have our black men gone?"

Black men are of special quality, an exotic breed,

They are fathers, providers, judges, lawyers, teachers and doctors. 

They are the first representation of a god to a child, who sees in her daddies eyes 

The immeasureable quanties of love that he has for her.

He is protector of the realm in which his son dweals, he is the final hero,

And still to his mate he is lover,romancer and friend.

He is the black man that is willing to jump through hoops of fire in a lions den

Dodge Chinese assassins hurling 8 point stars at him just to know

That the ones he loves are always safe, are always protected.  

He fights for what is right, he fights until there is no more fight left in him.

He speaks and all else is silenced, quieted by the very power of his voice,

He speaks and each sound wave tells that story of power, 

Never of fear but he commands attention and draws the audience to whom he speaks. 

The black man is intelligence embodied, untapped springs of ideas, 

He is a wealth of knowledge and yet he is becoming so uncommon.

Don't let our black men become extinct, they are indeed special,

Teach them of their history, teach them that they were made for greatness,

Teach them that to fear and to love and to make mistakes is to live.

Let them know of the threads that made the weaves of their incredible history. 

Let them know that they are to be feared but for all the right reasons.

Black man speak and command respect, rather than creating that respect with fear,

Live to learn and learn to live creating new opportunites with each day.

Take up the mantle that you were given to be our leaders, defenders, lovers, friends 

Our judges and our patriarchs, be the men that we see in you, 

And speak with the intelligence and authority with which you were born.

Step out of the stereotypes created, and live outside their expectations, outside the four corners of their box 

Give them not what they expect, but who you are, who you were meant to be,

Greatness embodied, intelligence personified!!!!!!!!!

Epiphaneia

Call it what you want,

I just call it prfound,

An awakening, my awakening.

The moment I realised that what I thought to be real,

Was probably just a dream.

The time when I figured that you could go to hell,

And guess what when you left, I'd still be just as alive.

It was my moment of introspection,

My coming to self as it were. 

The day that I came to value my uniqueness,

Embrace my absolute unequated worth. 

I had let you lead, as it were by a leesh,

I was literally at your beckon call, 

I had reduced myself to a common servant,

Instead of the royality I was born to be.

Those days were dark and lonely,

I was foolish and very blinded,

By love, lust and my desire for you.

But my Epiphaneia came, brilliantly I was struck.

You were just another man,

Nothing special about you, 

No outstanding charm, 

No extravagant words. 

You were regular, like every normal human being 

And so in my moment of Epiphaneia I took you off the pedestal,

From which you stood in King like grandeur,

Bringing you violently to the reality of your flaws like I had mine. 

My Epiphaneia came, 

And now I live,

Not like you defined my life 

But I live, defined only by me!!!!!!!!!

The Game

And what's your game?

They aren't all the same,

Right?

Or are they? 

Are you a one play kinda girl?

Make him like you, 

Eventually love you,

And then you leave. 

Make sure he's as wounded and as broken as you are,

You see, there's no other reasoning behind it,

You must be wounded or you wouldn't thrive,

On the very hurt that caused you to be this way.

What? 

You thought reliving it on your terms made it any better?

You were wrong weren't you? 

So why do you contiue to play this game?

You're hurting you more and more each time.

The game continues and so does your pain.

Getting back at him, means getting back at you.

Each time you hurt another man because HE hurt you 

You're doing more damage to wounds that never healed.

As if taking off your scabs before the cuts completely dry,

Enduring the torment again and again.

Well...........?

Now that you've thought about it,

What's your game?

Do you really have a game? 

Or are you just as wounded

As those you wound each time?

You can never hurt them without hurting you too!!!!!!!

Theoretical Loving

I was never really great at practicals,

But bet money I got theory down pact,

I'm the theoretical kinda girl,

And I could theoretically love you down all kinds a how. 

My portfolio is quite extensive,

I cater to all your demands,

I have your deepest fantasies mastered,

After all I'm the theoretical lover. 

So you like whipped cream and chocolate?

How about changing it up a bit?

I'll add some honey and a side or thrill,

Shake it, mix it, toss it, whip it, bend it or contort  it.

Anyway you like it.

So I'll theoretically love you upside down,

Inside out, back ways and side ways,

Over, under and in between, 

I'll set up a new portfolio,

This one wil cater specifically to your needs. 

Every fantasy fulfilled,

A straight up beginners guide to catering to you!!

The Conspiracy

This is a conspiracy against me,

They all trying to get at me.

Is what I did to you to deserve all this?Why are you so angry at me?

I never did any thing out of the norm,

I was loyal, a faithful friend, trusted comapanion.

I had your back and you had mine.

So why are you conspiring against me now?

No more light, I cannot see, 

Dying of thirst for my lack of water,

How am I to function, to exist like this? 

I did nothing outside the norm. 

I can't believe that you are openly conspiring against me.

Sure I might have forgotten to pay the bill on time,

It was only for the last four months and my very fist time.

What happen to all them people who do this all the time?

APUA I thought you loved me?

But now I see you were only using me.

So if you don't get my money, you take away my electriciy,

And not forgetting my water too?

Its only now I see this was truly a conspiracy, 

Trying to see how much you could get from me.

What kind of a relationship is this?

You just trying to bamboozle me.

Well I find sense and I can see,

That you were always conspiring against me.

Gone and take way my water and my electricity. 

CHUPS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Emancipated

Talk of emancipation and of freedom, from one thing or another seems to be the topic of interest at this point. 

But, are we really emancipated or are we still slaves? 

Slaves to our emotions, the very rythym of our hearts, the constant thud of music, or just the thought of breeaking away.

And what happens after? Or is it that there is no thought of after the here and now? 

What happened to the real meaning of being emancipated, of no longer being slaves? 

Do you really know what a gift you hold, more valued than riches and any amount of gold?

Where you stand and who you are, were fought for with blood sweat and yes tears, enough to fill an ocean. 

So as I sit here and look to the darkened sky, I reflect on an age when my emancipation was just a thought,

When cotton picking, and sugar cane cutting were the order of the day. 

Then I sit and smile, smile at who I am and how I've gotten here and I know that I am truly emancipated.

It Rained

It rained today,and so it did yesterday as well, It started out with one drop and soon I was lost and couldn't tell,

The drops came all together and so I lost my way.

My thoughts were lost in the rain, and my mind was clouded over

I couldn't, I wouldn't think of what was, or even what is, but I'll think on what is to come. 

Like the stream that starts with a single drop of rain, my legacy begins.

My greatness is being released a single capsule at a time. 

My what were's are the propellers, the driving force of what is to be,

My what if's are the posibilities, my what's going to come.

And so my legacy is set, only waiting to take flight.

Hiding Place

The music throbs, the beats have synchronised with the beating of my heart,

Sleep has become a distant friend, once very close, but pushed aside for the now 

The new occupant unrest and insomnia. 

I picture with my minds eye, the swarm of revellers pulsating and gyrating 

Moving hips and flaling hands to the rythym of loud music almost defeaning. 

I'm surrounded by the four walls I called my haven, my retreat, normally my fortress, 

But for now it has failed me, the sounds have pierced through, entering my normally quiet haven.

And so I sit and contemplate, I loose myself in the sea of thoughts that have now filled my mind. 

I have been enrolled in an army, with a calling to urgency far greater than the troupes who flood the streets. 

But here I sit, hidden in the comfort of my fortress, while the enemy gets the head start. 

What have I done and what am I doing for the greater good, to complete the bigger picture?

Am I a dry weather warrior, am I one to work only in my comfort zone, to do the things that I want to do? 

Is my service only by word of mouth, or can the world truly see Jesus in and through me? 

Am I saying here am I Lord please send me, or have I said ultimately,No not me please use anyone else but me? 

And so the music continues, and the sounds bombard me on every side, 

My thoughts continue to wander but to the place where I've hidden away, they ultimately return........................

Butterfly Wings

I whisper softly and each word like dew drops falling onto rose petals touches His ear.

They are carried so effortlessly, so lightly on butterfly wings. 

Each flap rings like the notes of a melody, played by a symphony that only He and I can hear. 

Each note very different from the last and yet very similar as they connect like strokes in a portrait, 

Completing a masterpiece, a glorious melody and yet there are only two members of this orchestra 

He and I.....................

Butterfly kisses do I send, from my heart to His ear, 

As soft and as a gentle lovers kiss are the words that reach His ear. 

And to think that before I even speak He knows my heart, 

But for my notes carried on butterfly wings He waits, 

Daily, He waits, because He loves me and I love Him. 

My love for Him is carried everytime I whisper the dew drop words, 

The notes of my love song played by our symphony, 

Carried so effortlessly on Butterfly wings.................

What we share is sacred, uncompared, unmatched.

Our love is as complex as the orchestra of two that plays, 

Two people who play and make music that none else can hear,

None else can fathom...........................

And He patiently waits for the dew drop words,

That add to our love song, that complete our masterpiece

Those words are carried from my heart to His ear on butterfly wings...................

Drowning

The constant thod of my heart reminds me to breathe, 

Like a kaleidoscoe of colours, I've found myself lost in my emoton. 

I'm drowning, I gasp for breath as I grab fistfuls of nothing and still everything. 

There's so much going on here and still it seems like i'm consumed by nothing at all,

A black emptiness illusioned with colour tries to take me under and hold me there. 

The colours, the stains of the things I feel which seem amplified one hundred times over. 

My efforts seem almost futile, but still I fight on and with all I think I have left. 

I'm drowning in a storm ravished sea of my own emotions. 

Tossed about in a vessl that can't withstand.

How did I get to this point, from feeling so little to feeling entirely too much? 

This storm has got to stop.........................

Where is the off button when you need it, why didn't feelings come with one of those?

I'd prefer to be anywhere, be anything, but only just for now. 

I can't breathe, there isn't enough air, the waves have tossed me and I'm bruised,

I must get out of here............

Unchanged

Sunsets come and go, seasons change and rivers flow, 

Rose buds become roses, stained a swirl of brilliant colour and  scented like sweet perfume, 

Humans age, love grows old and words marinade the soul. 

The only constant that I know, the very presence of His love. 

He doesn't change like seasons, and isn't wisked away on softly blowing winds, 

His voice lingers in my head the fresh memory of love words whispered in my ear, 

Never growing old, never losing their intensity, Never a distant memory, forever constant music in my head.

He is imprinted on the pages of my soul,

Inscribed in the lines of my complexity made simple by His love. 

A million snowflakes melted, a puddle the reminder of their existence,

A mid-summer night's breeze, sparks of fire on a moonlit night, beneath a decorated sky,

And in this Universe painted with beauty none exists but Him and I. 

His love never growing old and defined long before I was even created existing long after I would've departed. 

The Break Up

I claw at flesh grabbing fistfuls at a time........

Dam this stupid anger that's built up to boiling point and beyond.

The idea of solidarity, the indepence that will soon come 

Is fueling my savage actions as I continue on my rampage.

Soon, probably the very next fistful will set me free. 

We've been going steady for years,

WAIT..............

You have been trying to be steady for years.....

It's like you never understood that I was never one to be held to a monotonous routine....

I'm not like all the others and yet you held on to your constants 

Loyal to your one note melody, your single lyric song, your puppeteering act.

I am no ones puppet and I certainly have more melody than Beethoven's 5th symphony,

Trust me, he has nothing on me and you think that he of himself is complexity............

I wanted more than you could give, 

More than a half hour of trying to communicate with music blasting in the background, 

Followed by intense gyrating of bodyparts, flaling arms and legs, heart pounding and sweat pouring. 

Yes, it was ummmmmmm ......................INTENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You were intense, but I  wasn't always in the mood for intensity,

Sometimes I just wanted to be there and not have you touch me or touch you....... 

But like everyone around us, you never understood, 

I had all that I can take, I've had my fair share of you and since I no longer want you 

I will destroy you.......

I continue to grab fistfuls at a time ripping away flesh until I'm sure I've hit bone structure ........

The pain in my finger tips and the electrifying shockwaves that travel up my arms tell me that I've hit your core, 

Your leather bound exterior seating,

Your pronounced BOWFLEX name written accross your headboard are no more,

You put up a sturdy ironed outlook and others have run scared, 

But I am not afraid of you and I've gotten my friend sledge hammer.

And now to those intriors we'll see what damage is to be done,

So what, the 25 extra pounds didn'tcome off, but the other 75 did,

And my man isn't complaining, so why don't you just shut up........ 

I Love You

I choke on a mixture of my own vomit and the words I LOVE YOU................

I love you, took on a whole new meaning. 

More than the fluttery words propped up on roses and criscrossed in diamond necklaces.

Everytime you made love to me, 

There was an audience...............

I knew they were looking.

Whatever the time of day, you didn't seem to care. 

But they were always ready for a show those blasted perverts.

Those neighbours that never ever said much, but gave a nod and smiled,

The ones who came over and said hello when we first moved in,

The ones who said that if there was ever anything I needed just a call and they'd be right over.  

They stood around in their houses, became one with their windows, doors or hedges 

Just so they could see and hear us, when you made love to me. 

I remember it like yesterday, the day I said, "I do"

I remember the words I said "till death do us part",

And I remember loving you, and you said you loved me too.

Till DEATH couldn't come fast enough, 

How the hell did I end up on the bathroom floor, 

Blooding spewing from my nose, and a pain in my stomach that gave child birth stiff competition?

At least, at the end of having your child, I was happy, 

In that moment I was a frazzled bundle of confusion and desperation. 

As I gathered strength and stood again all I heard was "I LOVE YOU"

Since when did "I LOVE YOU" mean, I'm going to beat the sense and sensibility out you? 

My brain could not translate.

And all the while I'm there on the floor, remember those neighbours none of them made a move. 

"I LOVE YOU" now meant, I was his punching bag, 

And everytime he made love to me,

I wished he'd just kill me, until that day when He really went out of his way 

He made love to me with those powerful sledge hammer knuckles and those steel toe boots

Until Till death actually came and He killed me.

With all those friendly neighbours standing round their homes and listening to the live prformance!!!!!!!!

Flava

My lips pucker around the smooth skin, 

As the juices begin flowing into my mouth. 

One experienced hand holds firm and with a gentle squeeze the juices begin to flow again 

I am engulfed in a sea of flava and uncontrollably from my mouth is released a silent yet audible 

HHmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.................................................................

Soon my lips are no longer able to contain the flow and a trail, 

A rich, thick juicy trail makes its way down the side of my mouth, 

Unto my fingers holding tightly but assurredly and down to my elbows, falling into my lap.

I push the skin back and expose the author of the juices that have been sending my taste buds into a frenzy. 

With one smooth move it is in my mouth 

And again, but this time with eyes closed, 

Head tilted back, and face turned upwards to the sun, that silent yet audible,

HHmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..................................................................

As I sit there with the warm Caribbean sun beating against my darkened skin 

And the brisk sea breeze whisking across my face, I am engulfed in the flava.

My mouth turns upward into a contented smile, 

The juices have stopped flowing and the once sticky trail on my mouth and arms have dried, 

But I can't help but be content with my Caribbean self at the taste of that juicy Julie mango,

It was worth every cent of my $5 dollars. 

Edited (Part 2 )

Of the Master painter's hands.

As beautiful as the finished product.

Or am I the perfect picture?

With imperfect lines and defects?

Needing to be edited?

Do you you see me as a picture?

And I'm the way I am?

Just because everything is the way it is.

Just because I'm me,

Am I perfect?

But in the picture held in your hand,

Not in my reality, 

Because you made me look that way am I perfect?

Or is it perfect?

Lighting just perfect.

Facial structure detailed,

Pronounced eyes, fuller lips,

More curves, straighter lines,

Colour brightened, face enhanced,

Cut, pasted, retouched..........................

Thinking out loud

For as long as I can remember people have thought that it's ok to push their opinion based ideals down other people's throats and then further go on think that it's ok. Well guess what, it's not ok. I guess simply put, I'm quite fed up of having to justify how I think and behave, my morals, and the ideals I have for own life to people. You hear of people being ignorant to things that should be common sense or being uneducated for one reason or other. But what I can no longer stand is a person who is/should be educated and who is just flat out ignorant. Ignorant and inconsiderate to the people around them and the lack of and complete disregard to people's feelings. I hear derogatory statements and complete belittling of persons who don't look or sound a certain way, or who don't hold the kind of influences that others might possess, maybe it is that they aren't as educated as another. But are fancy suits, big houses and shiny cars the benchmark of a successful and well rounded individual?

I am not a size two and don't feel like I will ever be, what I am is talented, driven and focused. I am goal oriented and fun loving, optimistic and charming and I pray to and believe in a God who I believe is all powerful and works mightily. I am disappointed that all some people see is my outside and that is what they judge without ever getting to know me, but I refuse to live my life covered by a shadow that is completely made up of other people's perceptions. Sure I may not look like what the world considers to be perfect but to God I am perfection, special enough that He put in place for me a plan of salvation.

I don't have the time anymore to worry about what people think when they see me for what's on the outside, I can't let their words become my burden, I must be like the feathers of the duck on whom water slides right off, so too should hurtful, degradng and thoughtless words slide off me. So for all the people who have disorders, or thoughts about how you think I should live my life, I'm shaking you off, rather I'm letting your negativity slide right off and I will shine like the light that God has made me to be.

Thinking about it, who I really am, or who someone else really is is never really known, not because the person was unwilling to share but rather because before you got to know them, you judged. Your judgements were made based on a measuring stick that was dictated to you by society. You were too chicken to stand on your own two feet, supported by your own backbone, to think for yourself and draw your own conclusions. Society says that something is ok and automatically you accept without analizing for yourself and testing to see if it really made any sense at all.All you ever were was a puppet for the people around you if all you ever do is conform .

It amazes me to think that people act as though they themselves don't have feelings, like they are machines that run on oil or gasoline. So out of sorts with their own feelings that they hurt someone elses. When is it that we forget that our words have so much power, that we speak either life or death into another. You know what, all that just tells me that on the outside you look "pretty" but on the inside you're dark, dirty and ugly, holding on by threads to what you think or want to be reality.

I think that at one point or other I too was a puppet being played on the strings of society, so you are not alonein that regard. But I have now found my own feet and am being supported by my own spinal column so my choices are indeed my own and I am living my life like it's golden based on my terms just as long as they meet God's criteria that is, but they are my decisions and this is definitely ME!!!!!!!!!!

You know that saying beauty is in the eye of the beholder? I'd modify it and say that beauty is a state of being, it is constant never changing. I am as beautiful as I wnat to be and my beauty is not skin deep, it isn't makeup, clothes or a new hairstyle. It definitely isn't how I look on the outside, rather it is who I am no matter who I think is looking. The most important thing is that when I look at me I see the beauty that God has made me, no matter what the "beholder" sees. For all I know they might be cross eyed.